NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS

Posted by: Tom Sunnergren
01/05/11 10:01 am EST

The following in an “unofficial” transcript of a team meeting that may or may not have taken place in the 76ers locker room following their disheartening defeat at the hands of the Los Angeles Lakers on New Year’s Eve.

Dec. 31 2010, 11:45 pm PT.

Following their loss to the Los Angeles Lakers, the Sixers are having a team party in the visiting locker room of the Staples Center. 

Rod Thorn is asleep on the coach. 

Ed Stefanski wasn’t invited.

Doug Collins: (Holding a gin and tonic.  Not his first) Alright guys, let’s move around the room and give our New Year’s Resolutions for 2011.  Evan, we’ll start with you.

Evan Turner:  (stares meekly at lap)

Doug Collins:  (exasperated) Alright.  Jodie, you start.

Jodie Meeks:  I resolve to continue to parlay one great quarter of basketball into an astonishing degree of patience and goodwill from the fan base.

Spencer Hawes:  And I will take another step towards being a viable center in this League.  I’ll continue to rebound, take what the offense give me and–

Marreese Speights:  Can I go now?

Doug Collins:  No.

Thad Young:  I will continue to attack the basket with extreme prejudice and eschew the three-pointer. I will also curtail my reliance on the long two.

Andre Iguodala:  (from the hot tub)  I resolve to continue to play great defense and do multitudinous helpful things that get scant attention from the local media. I also resolve to lay off the 16-23 footers that I’m taking too many of, hitting too few of, and have been the prime driver of my career-low FG%.

And I will say nice things about my time in the city when I’m traded to the Cavs at the All-Star break.

Darius Songaila:  I resolve to–

Elton Brand:  Who are you?

Jrue Holiday:  (looks around room)  How’d this guy get in here?

Darius Songaila:  I am Darius Songaila.  I am on the team.  (looks at Doug Collins for support)

Doug Collins:  I’ve never seen this guy in my life.

Elton Brand:  (waiting for Songaila to be forcibly removed)  That was weird.  OK, I will continue my unlikely resurgence and, fingers crossed, play well enough that packaging me in a trade with someone young, cheap, and promising seems at least enough of a possibility to be an espn.com truth and rumor.

Jrue Holiday:  I resolve to take another large step in the direction of being an All-Star caliber player. I’ll D-up well enough that I get assigned threes, I’ll handle them, and I’ll do a better job of avoiding the temptation to take long jumpers with ample time on the shot clock.

Lou Williams:  Well, I’m missing shots from all over the floor — hoopdata says I shoot below league average from every conceivable location– and literally the only thing I do an even OK job of is getting to the line. And this comes on the heals of the best season of my career. I don’t even know where to start.

Andres Nocioni:  I resolve to continue to outperform low expectations, play more like I did in Chicago than Sacramento, provide energy, hustle and 20-10 spot starts off the bench, and proudly wear my facial hair like I’m an Accacia pledge at State College.

(Evan Turner hands him a note)

Andres Nocioni:  (looks at note, furrows brow)  Evan would like me to share that he resolves to not let his early season struggles and erratic playing time affect his confidence..

Doug Collins:  (mutters under breath)  Jesus Christ.

Andres Nocioni:  …take it easy with the midrange stuff, take full advantage of his recent surge in minutes, and continue to rebound.

Evan Turner:  (puts head down and blushes)

Craig Brackins and Jason Kapno:  We resolve to be relevant.

Tonie Battie:  I resolve to provide a steady veteran presence, defend well, and block both lazy layups and the development of Marreese Speights.

Doug Collins:  I resolve to continue to do a terrific job convincing young millionaires to play defense and coaxing maximum production out of one of the worst rosters in the NBA.  I also resolve to do this great job with a closer eye on the franchise’s long term interests.  I understand that winning now, while gratifying for me and the fan base, won’t get us any closer to our goal of competing for, and winning championships, if it comes at the expense of the development of our youth.  Furthermore, we need at least one more high lottery pick to have the talent infrastructure to compete, and we’re not going to get that if we’re a playoff team.

Marreese Speights:  Can I go now?

Doug Collins:  No.


 
 
 

3 Responses to “NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS”

  1. PhillyDude
    5. January 2011 at 13:20

    This is the best Sixers article I’ve read all season. Cheers and Happy New Year to the Philadunkia staff!

  2. Reverend Paul Revere
    5. January 2011 at 14:59

    Hilarious. Well done.

  3. G
    5. January 2011 at 15:12

    LOL THAT WAS FUNNY.

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