LONG SHOTS

Posted by: Tom Sunnergren
04/05/11 9:34 am EST

Defying the grim preseason predictions of many commentators, online scribes and national television “experts”, the Sixers won their 40th game and clinched a playoff berth with Friday’s 115-90 win over the Nets.

I expected they would win 23 games, so needless to say, I didn’t see this tremendous basketball revival coming. 

In fact, entering the 2010-11 NBA season, here are a few scenarios I actually thought were significantly more likely than the Sixers making the playoffs this year.

***

(Phone rings)

“Hello?”

“Hello Mr. Sunnergren, this is Mastercard.  You remember all the money you owe us?”

“Uh…”

“Well, long story short, we had a raffle at the office, we drew your account number at random, and now all your debt has been cleared.”

“Wow, I can’t believe that.”

“Yeah, we’ve got plenty of money here anyway.  Even though you owe us a pretty staggering amount –especially considered against your income, which is just, like really, really low– you’re just a drop in the bucket.’

“Thank you?”

“You’re welcome.”

***

“License and registration please”

(Checks it)

“Do you know why I pulled you over Sir?”

“No.”

“Really?  My mistake then, have a nice day.”

***

(Phone rings)

“Hello?”

“Hello Mr. Sunnergren, this is Visa…”

***

(At a bar.  Beautiful girl taps Tom on shoulder)

“Hi.  Tom, Tom Sunnergren? Right?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m Christine, that impossibly beautiful girl from your freshman chemistry class who was so arresting that you were afraid to make eye contact with her and if she even looked at something nearby you, you would get jittery and red and stare at the ground.  I just wanted to tell you that I’m in love with you and I want you to impregnate me with your seed and run away with me to the mountain house-mansion that my family owns and is now ours.  Also, my father owns HBO too, so you would need to run that company.”

(Stunned silence)

“By the way Tom, I fell in love with you because of that time a kid in our class was nervous before a speech and you yelled out that he was ‘shaking worse than Michael J. Fox.’  That was hilarious.”

“This is incredible, I would love to–”

“Wait, there’s one more thing.  Before you give me an answer, there’s something you need to know about me: I really like fish tacos.  We’re going to have to eat them every day.  That and wild, boundary-less sex are the two things we’ll be having every single day.”

***

(Phone rings)

“Hello?”

“Hello Mr. Sunnergren, this is AES…”

***

(The United Nations calls an emergency press conference.  When the press arrive, Bejamin Netanyahu and Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas are seated next to one another at the podium)

Netanyahu: We’ve come to an agreement over the Holy Land.

Abbas: Yup. We decided that we’re going to take some land, and they’ll take the rest.  We’re just going to split it up.

Netanyahu: I seriously can’t believe we didn’t think of this before.

***

(Phone rings)

“Hello?’

“Hi Tom.  This is your father.  I just wanted to tell you I’m proud of you.”


 
 
 

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