Andre Iguodala, who Sixers fans can be pretty tough on sometimes, had a recent meeting with coach Doug Collins (Who was on a national tour of get-togethers with all the Sixers players.) to talk out the problems he and the organization have had since the season ended.
We imagine it could have gone a few different ways.
Andre Iguodala’s Meeting with Doug Collins, as Imagined by Sixers Fans
Haggard and visibly exhausted from the seven-hour flight, Doug Collins walks into Andre Iguodala’s LA summer home. He drops his bags at the door and is led into a TV room by an undocumented worker who is paid less than minimum wage. Her back is really sore, but she can’t go to a doctor because her multi-millionaire boss doesn’t pay for her to get health insurance. He mumbles really cruel and sexist stuff about her under his breath too. She has like six kids.
Iguodala sits on the couch playing NBA Live when Collins walks in.
COLLINS: Hello Dre, it’s nice to see you.
IGUODALA: Yeah, whatever. Sit down, or don’t. I don’t really give a s*** either way.
COLLINS: That’s fine.
(Collins sits down on the couch adjacent to Iguodala’s and turns to face him. Iguodala continues to play NBA Live)
COLLINS: So Dre, the reason I came to see you is I wanted to tell you how much I value you as a player. The front office and I are incredibly grateful for your contributions to the team and the city and we want you to be a Sixer for the rest of your career.
(Iguodala picks his nose, studies the booger, then flicks it back by the door, where the undocumented worker hurriedly wipes it up. Collins is oblivious to this)
COLLINS: Listen, I know there’s been a bit of bad blood, and some rumors that we were looking to trade you, but I promise that you’ll be a 76er as long as you want to be one. I love you as a player. We all love you as a player.
(Collins leans in closer to Iguodala, trying to engage him, but the jerk keeps playing NBA Live, completely ignoring Collins, who flew god knows how many hours to see him. He also sucks at NBA Live. No touch on his jumper, not that that’s a surprise)
COLLINS: (Getting increasingly desperate for who the hell knows why, the guy sucks) Andre, please. Don’t be this way. We would never trade you, we were never even thinking of trading you.
(Andre is picking at his nails. He’s biting at them now too, spitting little nail slivers all over the place. Disgusting. What kind of grown man spits nail slivers all over his home? One who probably gets a sick pleasure from knowing his undocumented, Hispanic maid has to bend over to pick them up, aggravating her bad back. Seriously f-ed up)
IGUODALA: What I’d really like Doug is to take more shots.
COLLINS: Well Andre, we know that we’ve asked you to do that in the past, but since it’s one of the weaker aspects of your game, in the future we’d like to get away from that as much as we can so–
IGUODALA: In crunch time. I want more shots in crunch time. I want all the crunch time shots.
IGUODALA: I want more money too.
COLLINS: We’ll double your salary.
COLLINS: We’ll triple it.
(Iguodala crumples up a piece of paper and shoots it at a garbage can. He misses. The maid bends over to pick it up, grimacing from the back pain)
IGUODALA: Your wife looks good.
COLLINS: She’s yours.
IGUODALA: And your daughter?
COLLINS: (Face contorting, pained) Jesus, Andre.
(They stare at one another)
(Collins, wearied, gets up to leave)
COLLINS: I’d better be going now. So whenever this lockout ends, we’ll see you at camp?
IGUODALA: Whatever. P robably.
COLLINS: It was good to see you Andre.
(Collins turns and starts walking toward the door, but stops when Iguodala calls out to him)
IGUODALA: Hey coach?
IGUODALA: I tanked the Heat series on purpose.
Andre Iguodala’s Meeting with Doug Collins, Actually
COLLINS: Hey Dre.
IGUODALA: Hey Coach. So are you guys gonna trade me?