(Editor’s note: this post is not a real news story. We made it up. As a joke.)
In the wake of news that newly acquired center Andrew Bynum will likely miss the season opener due to discomfort in his right knee, Sixers management rushed to emphasize that in the grand scheme of things the injury should just be a blip on the radar.
“We’re disappointed for Andrew, obviously, but I’m not overly concerned about the injury,” coach Doug Collins told reporters after a Friday morning practice. “I mean, a nuclear Iran, hurricane Sandy, the possibility that we’re living in a Godless universe — that’s the sort of thing I’m really concerned about.”
“This is just basketball,” Collins added.
General manager Tony DiLeo acknowledged Bynum’s knee has caused some unease for the front office, especially given the center’s injury history, but said that it’s not the sort of thing fans need to worry about.
“What would keep me up at night, if I were a run-of-the-mill middle class Sixers fan is stagnating wages. And debt. Those things, and the fact that some bacterial infections have evolved to the point that they’re immune to antibiotic therapy. I mean, there’s a strain of gonorrhea that is drug resistant right now. That’s the sort of thing you should worry about.”
There’s also, Collins added, plenty of reason for optimism this season.
“This is a solid team. We made some nice additions in Jason, Nick, Dorell, Kwame and the kid (rookie Arnett Moultrie). We have size, depth, and the way our first few weeks are scheduled, we should be fine without Bynum for a while.”
When asked by a reporter if the panic over Bynum’s health is overblown, the coach agreed.
“I think we often don’t realize how good we’ve got it,” Collins said. “I mean, your children. If your children are strong and healthy, my god, what a blessing. Why obsess over the orthopedic health of a millionaire when you’re family is healthy. So the tenure of a guy who was supposed to save our franchise started as disastrously as possible and confirmed our worst fears about him. Honestly, this will probably ruin our season. Our next few seasons, really. But if your family is okay, that’s what really matters,” he added, before taking out his wallet and showing reporters photographs of his grandchildren.